Loving You to Love Others: A Valentine’s Day Reminder That Actually Matters

Valentine’s Day has a way of shining a spotlight on relationships.

The dinners. The flowers. The social media posts.

But here’s what I often see in the therapy room around this time of year:

People working overtime to feel loved… while completely neglecting themselves.

If we’re going to talk about love this month, we have to start here:

You cannot consistently offer others what you do not practice internally.

And no — this isn’t fluffy self-care talk. It’s clinically grounded.

What “Loving Yourself” Really Means (Clinically Speaking)

In mental health, we don’t throw around “self-love” casually. We talk about:

• Self-compassion

• Secure attachment

• Emotional regulation

• Healthy identity development

• Shame resilience

Research on self-compassion shows that people who practice it experience:

• Lower anxiety and depression

• Less emotional reactivity

• Greater relationship satisfaction

• Improved resilience after conflict

When you have a stable internal foundation, you don’t require constant reassurance. You don’t collapse at criticism. You don’t abandon yourself to avoid disapproval.

That stability changes everything in relationships.

Why Valentine’s Day Can Feel So Triggering

For some people, this holiday feels sweet.

For others, it activates:

• Attachment wounds

• Loneliness

• Comparison

• Old relationship trauma

• Fear of not being “enough”

Our attachment style — shaped early in life — influences how we interpret closeness, conflict, and connection as adults.

If you lean anxious, you may look outward for validation. If you lean avoidant, you may downplay emotional needs. If you’ve experienced trauma, intimacy may feel both desired and unsafe.

None of that makes you broken.

It means your nervous system learned patterns to survive.

And survival patterns aren’t always sustainable relationship strategies.

Your Nervous System Is in Every Relationship You Have

This is the part we don’t talk about enough.

If your body lives in:

• Fight (control, anger, defensiveness)

• Flight (overworking, avoiding, staying “busy”)

• Freeze (shutting down, going numb)

• Fawn (people-pleasing, over-accommodating)

…then love becomes exhausting.

When you are dysregulated, your partner’s neutral tone can feel like rejection. A delayed text can feel like abandonment. A disagreement can feel like danger.

Learning to regulate your nervous system — through grounding, breathwork, mindfulness, therapy, and somatic awareness — allows you to respond instead of react.

Regulation creates relational safety.

And safety builds secure love.

What Loving Yourself Looks Like in Real Life

Not Instagram quotes.

Not expensive spa days.

Real self-love looks like:

• Not apologizing for having needs

• Saying no without spiraling

• Taking responsibility without self-shaming

• Allowing rest without guilt

• Ending patterns that consistently harm you

• Scheduling your therapy appointment even when you’re “busy”

It’s subtle. Daily. Consistent.

And it builds self-trust.

When you trust yourself, you stop clinging to people who don’t choose you. You stop tolerating disrespect. You stop outsourcing your worth.

That’s not selfish. That’s secure.

For Those in Recovery: This Matters Even More

If you are navigating substance abuse recovery or managing addictive behaviors, self-compassion is essential.

Shame fuels relapse. Self-criticism reinforces hopelessness.

Separating behavior from identity is one of the most clinically important shifts in recovery work.

“I made a mistake” is workable.“I am a failure” is paralyzing.

Building internal worth that is independent of perfection increases long term stability in recovery and relationships alike.

A Different Kind of Valentine’s Reflection

Instead of asking:

“Who loves me?”

Try asking:

• Where do I abandon myself in relationships?

• What need do I consistently minimize?

• How do I speak to myself after I make a mistake?

• What would change if I treated myself with the same compassion I offer others?

Love starts internally long before it becomes relational.

The Truth I See in Practice

The clients who build the healthiest relationships are not the ones who never struggle.

They are the ones who:

• Can tolerate discomfort

• Communicate clearly

• Repair after conflict

• Hold boundaries

• Offer themselves compassion

That internal work translates outward.

Every time.

If This Valentine’s Day Feels Heavy

If this season highlights loneliness, relationship strain, anxiety, or old wounds; you’re not alone.

Therapy can help you:

• Heal attachment patterns

• Strengthen emotional regulation

• Reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms

• Support substance abuse recovery

• Improve communication and boundaries

You deserve relationships that feel secure — including the one you have with yourself.

If you’re located in Florida and ready to begin counseling, I’d be honored to support you.

Because loving yourself isn’t indulgent.

It’s foundational.

And when you learn to love you well, loving others becomes healthier, steadier, and far more sustainable.